Apple clamps down on love making

23rd May 2009 • 2 Comments

It's hard to imagine that anyone who is even remotely connected to the technology world hasn't heard about the shambles that is going on over at Apple with regard to their iPhone Application approval process. Well things don't seem to be improving.

For anyone not up to speed, here's a brief recap. A few weeks ago, Apple rejected an application from Nine Inch Nails on the grounds that one of the songs available for streaming contained explicit lyrics. Fair play, it does, however the issue was that the song is also perfectly available from iTunes, and on YouTube, thus representing something of a double standard on the part of Apple (article link from the BBC).

It also doesn't help that merely a week earlier, Apple had been slammed for allowing an App which encouraged users to shake a baby to make it stop crying into the App store (again, article from the Beeb).

We had all hoped that after all of this monstrously bad press about Apple's golden girl we would have seen a change in policy for the better. Seems not.

This time round, a humble e-book reader is causing the problem. Eucalyptus has been barred from the App store because through it, a user is able to obtain a copy of the Karma Sutra, the ancient Indian text on love making which is used by millions of couples around the world to enhance their night-time activities.

Fair enough you might say; don't want little Billy getting hold of it and trying out the Whirly-Bird on his sister, but that's not the problem.

See, there are other e-book apps that are already in the App Store which also allow access to the Karma Sutra. Even the Kindle App from Amazon does!

So once again we have a situation where Apple is showing a double standard when it comes to their approval process, and this is bad news. However there are more worries than that.

Firstly, as someone who is to start submitting themselves to the App Store process soon, I am alarmed by developers saying that "in the responses that actually address [their] submission, [they received] tersely worded messages that provide little assistance."

COME ON Apple, I hate to take a leaf out of Balmy Balmers book, but this rule must apply:

If you alienate the people who are making your platform great, you will swiftly lose them. I must admit to finding myself tempted just to dev for the Mac and release via Just a Day and take 100% of the profits, not giving Apple any sort of cut and avoiding all the hassle of some up-tight employee in Corporate-land deciding that because I used the word "poo" I'm causing the irreversible decline in human society.

And as a final tirade, do we really need Uncle Apple telling us what to do in the bedroom? I mean, let's look at the way people actually obtain an iPhone.

If you want it on a contract, you must be 18. Therefore, you are quite entitled to look at The Grasshopper and make a mental note to try that out when you eventually capture a member of the opposite sex. If you are an adult and find the thought of two people making love that repulsive, I think you have larger issues at work, and why the hell were you searching for it in the first place?!

However, if you want it on Pay As You Go, then you pay an extortionate amount for it, which I would assume means the bank of Mum and Dad paid for it. Ok, so there's an issue there, however to download Apps from the App Store let us not forget, you need a bank card. In which case, you must be 18.

And if you have access to Mummy and Daddy's credit card, then by gum I don't want to be you when their statement arrives and they discover their darling child spent £300 on iPhone porn.

Oh, and of course, all the cool kids just use Safari...

PS. I am aware that the iPod Touch also has access to the App Store, but Argument 2 still holds, that you require a debit / credit card to download from the App Store.